This week's caption contest. The last one sucked.
Hello, and welcome to another rendition of Jacob's Blog. I hope you all have fun with this one!
Love:
When two single people of the opposite sex meet for the first time...four things happen.
1) They make eye contact.
2) They assess eachother through body language.
3) They audibly (or physically, if they are mute) attempt communication.
4) They decide whether the person looking at them is a good candidate for a boyfriend/girlfriend.
If you say, "No, Jake...that's not true at all!", you are lying to yourself. Whether the person you meet is ugly or beautiful or just sort of a halfsy, you make sure to know if that person is worth talking to again...and on what level.
(+20 points for those of you who doubt me. You'll need the points later.)
Here's where I break it off. I will talk to girls first and guys second...extending to them the lessons I've learned and things I wish them to know as separate genders.
Dear Ladies,
STOP! Before you do anything else with your time...STOP! Think about the men in your life that really care about you. I'm not talking about your hott new catch that just bought you a diamond-embroidered necklace or that guy from your History class who flirted with you earlier because "what his girlfriend doesn't know, can't hurt her". NO. I'm talking about the guy sitting next to you...the one who doesn't try to touch you inappropriately...the one who talks you through every trial in your life...the one who wants to solve all of your problems, but doesn't because he knows that will only make you angry...the one who can read you like a book. So, change out of that mini-skirt/halter-top with the LONG neckline combo and into an outfit that leaves a little something to the imagination. While boys are attracted to skin and cleavage...men are attracted to studying habits and tact. Think about the last time you had a crush on someone. Was he the guy that talks too much in class, wears WAY too much cologne, hits on the teacher, and wears that ever-so-adorable pink polo with a popped collar? If the answer is no...you're good to go. You have this whole "reality" thing figured out. (+30 points) If the answer was yes, then you have failed.
Like this guy:
You're not seeing the big picture. The guys that flirt with you constantly and make advances in ways you never even knew existed are the same guys that will eventually sit in their lazyboys every sunday, watch the big game, and yell at their wives to get them a beer. I mean, if you're into that sort of "intimate" relationship, then go ahead...be my guest. If you want a real man who won't abandon you, who won't cheat on you, and who won't ever let you open a door yourself...you need to look at the humble guys. "OMG, Jake!", you may say. "Those guys are like really ugly and probably play video games and don't even buy energy drinks!" Yes, you're right. They DON'T care about their appearances, they DO play video games, and they DON'T buy energy drinks. Here's the thing: That "nobody" you call a mutual friend probably cleans up a lot better than you think. Also, most gamers tend to have a more affectionate side. (That's for you, Mitch.) You aren't looking hard enough. Since when do girls have to fight for the affection of men? Why can't you just be worth it? Why do you have to degrade yourselves to please us? Why do you fall for these guys that will only cause you trouble? Don't pretend you can't see trouble coming. You are FEMALES! You know when something bad is about to happen. It's just in your genes. You say girls are smarter than boys...then, start acting like it! Find a guy who would voluntarily watch Sleepless in Seattle with you...a guy who would cover your legs with blankets and not his hands...a guy who will kiss your tears away...a guy who shows you love like you've never known before. If you keep falling for these cheap, brainless, too-tan-to-be-natural tools...you'll end up alone time after time. (+15 points for singing the Cyndi Lauper song.) My main concern here is this: You are looking for a man with passion...with strength...a guy who is accessible to you...a man that speaks his mind. You want a guy who is...and you girls never can stress this enough..."CONFIDENT!!!!!!!" Guess what, girls? Confidence doesn't matter if he's not willing to listen to you. You girls have become so shallow...so willing to accept the first thing you see. Who could blame you though? We've given you nothing but level of extroversion to play on. The more confident the guy is, the more girls will talk to him. How do you think Flavor Flav does it? I leave you with this thought: Boys will come and go...but a man will stick with you no matter what.
Dear dudes,
This probably pertains to you:
If you have found yourself in ^this^ situation, you'll find this interesting. Ladies aren't going out with these "jerks" because that stud earring is appealing or because Axe smells good. (It doesn't.) They date guys like that because they are CONFIDENT. Give a nerd a dating sim and he'll love for a day. (Or until he beats it.) Give a nerd the ability to date actual girls and he'll love for the rest of his life. (-20 points if you've actually played a dating sim.) I'm simply implying that you need to get your voice out there. If you are worried about sounding like an idiot, that's ohkay. Every guy sounds like an idiot the second he opens his mouth. Don't worry if the cute girl in the corner only laughs at buff guy's jokes. Think of some better jokes to tell...or play off of his jokes. Here's a site: http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/funniest-jokes.html
See, girls love humor. The only thing they love more than humor is creativity. You can be the funniest guy in the entire world and not know how to create a good mood. If you can't plan a fun date, write her a beautiful love letter, or interact with her ever-changing thoughts continuously, you're screwed. Girls are less interested in appearance than you think. Ever watch the King of Queens? (Me either.) What I'm saying is...with some personal touch-ups and a few hours of Project Runway every week, you could have that cute blonde swooning over you and your obese, unappealing body. I know what you're thinking. "But Jake...how can I be fashionable and sexy? I am but a poor student with nothing to give but my Level 70 Druid!" (-20 points if you can name the game I'm most likely referring to.) Well...there's not much I can do about your "special problem", but I can tell you that interacting with the female race is a healthy and normal activity in today's society. I tell you this as a once-introverted male. I have seen the light, my friends! Trust me. Those scary, muscly guys from Jr. High grew up...and guess what!...they're just as dumb now as they were then. Only, this time, you have the option to win! You can talk to these girls. You can make them feel good about themselves. You can be gentlemen and open doors and be charming. You can show them what a real man is. Just don't get too close too quick...or they'll take you for something different...a "creeper".
*End thoughts*
Homework for the week:
Girls - Look around you and find these "gentlemen".
Boys - Get confident and talk to that hottie in Spanish. Maybe even ask her what she's doing this weekend.
God Bless your whithered souls,
Jacob
<<< This guy? 
