Jacob Smith is insane.

Love is...

2009-12-25T23:10:00.000-08:00

...not easy to explain.

You just kind of have to find it. : )

Stay here.

2009-09-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

So, I've noticed a rising trend in my generation.

We all hate thinking about the future.

I think I know why that is too.

So far, life has been pretty rough...for all of us. School has only gotten more competitive, the internet has forced social exchange on everyone, and parents are becoming more and more careless by the day.

Whether you're living in South Brooke or somewhere in inner city Decatur...this generation is suffering from far too many things to keep life straight anymore.

Life is hard. That's all we know. While we're aware that the future can be better, we're not necessarily convinced that it will be. That's why we're keeping it right here...in the present. We can't think about the past. We're all too busy to remember the good times. Our good times are so few and far between that, if we didn't write them down in a journal or blog about them, they might be lost forever.

It's sort of disheartening, the way we live.

Yes, we're lazier...but we have all the reason in the world to not trust what lies ahead of us. We don't think straight because, even when we try our hardest, our 1 + 1 attitude won't always get us a 2. Understand me, people? Things that were supposed to make sense...because they made sense with every generation before us...have no structure to us. Life becomes one big line when you have nothing to base it off of.

Listen...I'm not saying that we have nothing to look forward to...just that the lives we're all leading won't get us where we want to go...if we even know where we want to go. Most of us are clueless on that one too.

Thoughts?

Suggestions?

Concerns?

Hate

2009-09-06T11:34:00.001-07:00

I wish I didn't.

: (

Jacob doesn't need friends...

2009-09-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

My life has changed. I've become unimportant in the lives of many people. I did it. I made a conscious decision to stop talking to these people. Who does that? It wasn't even an experiment. I just wanted to do it. There was little thought process involved. I'm just sadistic.

I think you'll understand when I say those people (some of you) don't "need" me. Those that do need me have made an effort to keep me close. We are all needed by the people around us...just not all of them. Life isn't a fairytale. Not everybody is going to love you. Many of them, however, will depend on you until the day they die.

It's just one of the important things I've learned lately.

Listen. I don't care about video games. I don't care about movies. I don't care about Facebook. I don't care about pictures. Music is dead to me. The only thing that has any worth to me is love. Everything I own could be gone tomorrow when I wake up...and I wouldn't bat an eye. I couldn't do that if I woke up tomorrow and my family decided never to talk to me again...or God seized to exist. My father once told me that we all, at some point in our lives, hang on to a thread that's just too loose...and we fall. I'm just wondering if that thread is too loose right now.

My friends are all but gone. Communication is at an all-time low. It's like I depend on the people I don't know to somehow make my day better. I'm a missionary in my hometown. It's strange! I am gaining a knack for talking to people I don't know, however. I'm liking that! It keeps people from being lonely.

Something else I learned tonight...

Don't drop out of school.

Please.

Don't.

No matter how awesome you "know" you are...or how much you're getting for selling crack...an education will be important sooner than you think.

Here's a message to all females:

Don't date guys who dropped out of school. For the love of K Fed, please stay away from these guys! Their wife-beaters, spiky hair, and "sexy Chinese lettering tattoos" will mean nothing to you when you're living in a double-wide.

( + 10 points if you thought I was gonna say "...when you're livin' in a van down by the river!")

Trust me. It was tempting.

Actually, general rule of thumb...let your father assess your boyfriend. Let him be brutally honest. Don't cry about it. Just listen. If your father has talked to him enough to make a fair judgment...he's probably right about your guy...good or bad. Dads are harsh. Enjoy the security while you can.

Here's a message to all males:

Don't date unsupportive girls!

( + 5 points if you know "unsupportive" is not an actual word. Thank you, Firefox.)

If a girl can't accept everything you are...the immaturity, the quirks, the less-than-stellar jokes...don't give her a second glance.

If you find yourself dating an unsupportive girl, stop. It's as easy as that.

This works if you're a female as well. If the guy doesn't care enough to do things you want to do and congratulate you when you've done something you're proud of...dump him. Do it. Now. Seriously.

Let me end this post with a happy thought:

People DO care about you. The world will never be as heartless as you imagine it on your darkest days. People love you. People want to see you enjoy your life. Whether someone has told you that lately or not, it will always be true of every individual.

"Even my greatest of enemies will grow love of some capacity in my heart."
- Anonymous

Goodnight, everyone. Please have a good weekend.

Your civil servant,
Jacob Smith (Dante)

You know me. Seriously...you do.

2009-08-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

Whether you think you do or not, you know me fairly well.

Let's list some things that I am:

- White (Italian, mainly)
- Medium height (short to some...)
- Of average intelligence... (Although test scores say I'm above 98% of American students...which scares me greatly!)
- Lame
- Nerdy
- Obsessed with video games
- Obsessed with pop culture in general
- A friend of Jesus
- In love with Shelby <3 : )
- Psychotic
- Fairly good at giving relationship advice
- Confident
- Caring
- Easy to get along with

Well...if you didn't know me, you do now. I'm not complicated. I used to try to be...or at least convince people that I was. I'm not though. Don't worry. : )

Please...tell me about yourselves.

Better yet...does anyone need advice on anything? Ask away, kids. I love talking. Most of you that graduated know I love talking.

By the way...can I just give one big apology to everyone I graduated with? I'm sorry I was a loner all those years. I'm sorry I didn't talk to some of you. I'm sorry I put everyone is a "group". That's lame. I wish I could go back and do things differently...maybe change a few more peoples' lives or just leave you guys with a better opinion of me. I wasn't very school spirit-oriented. I didn't get involved (drama doesn't count...lols). I wish I had played baseball. I LOVE baseball!

Oh well.

I wish everyone the best. It's good to see some of you getting married and earning respectable jobs. Now...some of you need to try a little harder. I may still work at McDonalds...but at least I'm paying for my own school. : ) Believe me...when I'm done with school...I'm outta here.

Attention Cool Kids!!!

2009-08-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah...

So, I know what you're thinking: "Jake...you aren't THAT crazy. I'm crazier than you are!"

Well...

No.

No, you aren't.

If you find yourself being a lot like me or doing things resembling my lifestyle on a daily basis...I urge you to seek professional help. This will help:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! This is amazing!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDBpQVhCMb8

Alright...let's get started here.

( + 10 points if you at at McDonald's in the passed three days)

Yeah, I was working when you got your food...I guarantee it! I've worked far too much lately. It's not that I particularly WANT to work. I just need the money. I have school to pay off. Also, I have a girlfriend! She claims to be inexpensive though. I don't care how "inexpensive" she thinks she is...I'll buy her things she doesn't even LIKE...just so I can spend money on her. : ) She never asks for anything. I mean, fo' reelz yo! This girl's legit! How many of you guys are looking for a girl like that? All of you, you say? FIND YOUR OWN!!! Lols...I digress. Other than that, I just need to keep money back for other things in the future. Oh...and if your food wasn't that good...I wasn't working. I like to maintain quality...even if it makes everyone working with me angry. : )

( - 10 points if you work with me) ...sorry, Shelby.

I'm glad that you all invited people to my group...even if you were a little ridiculous about it. Keep inviting people. I mean, it's not necessarily important that everyone reads this blog. I just want it to get big enough that Peter Jackson sees it and produces my first masterpiece.

That brings me to my next point. I'm currently working on a horror film. I'd like a little help with some stuff though. Although she doesn't know it yet, Cori (my sister) and I will be writing the script soon. Yes...it will be extremely campy. : ) Without a budget, it's nigh impossible to create a horror film that people can take seriously. Also...I'm expecting some actors to volunteer. If you can act...or even if you can't, but think you can (because I'm sure we'll see you regardless)...please let me know. I'll be writing more on that later.

Just remember: Project Bludgeon. : )

I want criticism. Seriously.

Tell me what's wrong with me.

Am I a jerk? Am I a loser? Do I talk to much? Am I lazy? I'd like to know. If I have come off as a jerk to anyone...and I mean ANYONE...let me know. Life's too short to not love everyone.

Let's wrap this "shorterthaniwasexpecting" blog entry up with a little segment I like to call "What the heck, Jake?"

This is where I tell a story and you worry about my mental stability.

So...

I was at work yesterday when I got bored. I asked if I could take a short bathroom break because we weren't busy. So, I go to the little guys room...stand in front of the urinal...and start texting. On the way in, I had noticed that a rather large individual (or so I was led to believe by his shadow) was in the actual stall, sitting down. Now, I'm not sure how many of you have noticed it at this point in your lives, but when a person is in a stall and another person walks in the bathroom...their bowels seize to move. It's an automatic reaction to other human beings watching you do that.

Anyway,
I'm there...just texting muh gurl (Hi, Shelby!)...and this guy freezes! He goes from rustling about, coughing, and breathing heavily...to complete silence. So...I do what any respectable kid would do in my situation.

I kept texting.

I had planned on being in there for a minute tops. Now...this was a game. This was a challenge. This was entertainment. I wanted to see how long this ol' portly chap could last without losing his mind and giving in to the discomfort. I made a bet with myself. If this guy could hold out another two minutes, I'd congratulate him on the way out. If he couldn't, I'd punish him.

It's also another rather common fact that when someone turns on the automatic hand dryer...the person in the stall goes about his or her business...knowing that they have just enough time to feel semi-accomplished.

He lost. : )

Within 45 seconds of my betting myself, the man gasped for air. His breathing and rustling had continued. One thing hadn't though. : ) His bowels.

Perhaps the man knew full well that having anyone in the same bathroom with you makes the majority of people uncomfortable. He was playing the game.

This is what I did:

- I put my hands under the sink.
- I turned the water on...slowly...
- Reaching for the soap, I exclaimed, "Dang it! They're out of soap again!" (They weren't.)
- I turned the water off.
- I hit the towel machine a couple of times to get a towel out.
(Keep in mind...I've been in here for about 5 minutes...)
- I dry my hands off a little.
- I walk over to the automatic hand dryer and hit the button.

Yep. Just like I had planned it...the man was good to go. It was too good to pass up though. I quickly put my hand over the vent of the hand dryer...to silence it. His reaction was nothing short of epic.

It was almost as if he knew I was messing with him.

He starts laughing. Yes. Laughing. Whether it was to cover up the noise or because he thought something was funny, I'll never know. Regardless, I'm impressed. Most people would have coughed a few times and gotten back in prone position until I was gone. No. This guy was good.

This hand dryer turned off...

As I left the restroom...I left him with this greeting: "Well played, good sir. Well played."

I could hear him laughing well after I closed the door behind me.

That's my story, folks.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Goodnight, kids.

- Crazy

I shouldn't be alive...

2009-08-26T02:33:00.000-07:00

The result of yesterday and today's beatings upon my physical and mental self is not pretty.

My body can't take this much longer.

: (

Thought for you all to just sit and ponder:

Hugs and kisses can only do so much. When you have time to talk to the one peroson who understands you...TALK TO THEM! In the name of all that which does not suck...TALK TO THEM!

*sigh*

( + 5 points if you are still happy...)

Short...

2009-08-24T19:47:00.000-07:00

Yeah...this will be a pretty short one. I don't have much time. I just want to keep up with my promise of at least one blog per day.

: )

Today was a massacre.

Like I said, I was busy. Also, my shift changed from 9 hours to 10 hours. I've had longer shifts...but not when I came into work already tired. That was a huge mistake. Staying up until three writing to you beautiful people isn't something I regret. Staying up until three IS.

Also, I had a triple thick milkshake from McDonald's tonight. I haven't had one in years. Still amazing! It doesn't exactly quench the thirst though. Actually, I'm still pretty dehydrated... *sigh* I'll fix that soon.

Oh, if you could all pray for something in my life. It's sort of an unmentionable. (You know how that goes.) Just please pray for me.

If anyone, at any time, would like me to pray for them...I'd be more than happy to do so also. I love praying for people. : )

I met a cool guy today. He was a fire investigator for the state. Lols. He looked lonely eating at McDonald's and I decided to sit with him. He gave me this story about his son and how he didn't try very hard in high school or even early on in college...but then grew up and now he's a CSI!!! That's so cool! It reminded me of myself so much though. I feel like my dad sent this guy in there to talk sense into me about "trying" in school. Regardless, it was awesome.

Well, that's all I got, kids.

I'm gonna get clean and go to the Batman: Arkham Asylum midnight launch at GameStop! Woot!

Long time no see, kids!!!

2009-08-24T01:28:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus, you'll be glad to know my life is back in order.

Woot.

First things first:

Everyone will start off with 50 points this time. Use them wisely. Think before you read, people. You only have 50 points... (To those who are new to my blog...I use a points system. It's sort of an interactive way to get you to read the whole thing. Yeah...I know...I'm lame. BACK OFF!)

Example: ( - 10 points if you've never seen Gremlins.) < Just an example!!!

Now, back to me... : )

I'm finding myself back on track with God, I'm dating the most stunningly beautiful girl I've ever met (I'll go on about her more than I should...just warning you.), I have an awesome computer now, I'm getting plenty of hours at work, and I'm managing my money wisely. (To some extent...) This is what life SHOULD be like! I literally have NO complaints about my life right now. Do you know how many times that's happened to me?

Seriously?

Anyone want to take a guess?

Wait for it...

...

...

ZERO!!! < There it is, folks! There's the over-dramatic answer to my self-proposed question! ( + 10 points for getting it right.)

They say good things never last...but I have a feeling this will last. Life never lets go...I know that. Something will always be there to tear me apart. That's how life works. I just know I can get through it now. There is no hopelessness left for me. I'm good.

Well, if I haven't bored you to death yet...you'll be happy to know that I'm done with the part of my blog that has little-to-no entertainment value for you, the viewer.

Are ya ready, kids?

The Man

I'm sure you all miss Dr. Mays as badly as I do. He showed me how to do...well...everything. To honor his large influence in my life, I've decided to go on a life-long journey. I will buy one product that he has sold a year EVERY year until I've bought all of them. Yes. I'm not kidding. I think I'll start with the original Oxy Clean this year. That was the first time I saw our beloved Billy. : ( He will be missed...

On to coolest movie still of the day!!! This is Cori's favorite part!

Here it is, folks:

Eli Roth's eyes in this film are just...ridiculous! He looks like he wants to kill Nazi's at all times. I love it!

( + 10 points if you can name Eli Roth's fiance...)

Relationships...

...ahhhhh

I love them.

It would be nice to copy my knowledge of relationships on a flash drive and plug it into other peoples' brains though. Maybe I just want everyone to think like me. : ) That'd be nice. Of course, if I truly wanted everyone to think like me, something would go wrong and THIS would probably happen:

I don't claim to know everything...just more than the average kid my age. (20 is still "kid" status, right?) I haven't just been in relationships. No. I've studied couples, read up on how different people perceive love as different things, and really gotten a sense of what attracts a person to another person.

( + 15 points if you've seen Hitch)

Maybe this massive turn of events in my life has driven me to become slightly more chipper than I need to be, but I find it hard to look back now. I'm with Shelby now. She is the best. I don't just say that because we're dating either. I really mean it. She's all the little things I've been looking for. She's that girl who can answer my questions when I'm only halfway through asking them. She loves me for who I am and I return that love. It's not that complicated, people!

What I'm saying is...you know those lists that we used to make ourselves about who we wanted to be with later in life? (Maybe I'm the only GUY who did that...) Regardless, those lists need to be thrown out! Forget them entirely! No amount of pros or cons can really give you a solid "yes" or "no". You'll end up with a fairly weak argument for or against the guy or girl in your given situation. Love is simple. It's the only certainty we have.

That's it for now, kids.

I'll leave you with an old favorite.

Caption of the week.

For you noobs out there, this is pretty self-explanatory. I give you a picture...and you caption it. Make it funny, smart...I don't care. I'll choose the best one and whoever wins will personally receive a gift from me. It could be chocolate. It could be a trip to Jamaica. I don't know. I sort of play it by ear. I'll be doing this less frequently than I used to...mainly because it'd be nice to get more responses. I'm begging you...somebody out there PLEASE BE FUNNY!!!

..and here...we...go!

Good luck, kids.

I hope you all enjoyed yourselves. If you have any questions or concerns, please direct them back at my Facebook.

Goodnight, children.

- Jacob Smith

Hey, kids...

2009-08-24T01:02:00.000-07:00

I'd like to thank everyone who joined my group and I hope you enjoy my blog in the future.

Also...

Here's this:

http://perpetua.tumblr.com/post/79113431/were-turning-your-bedroom-back-into-the-computer

Spider-Man and my adventures as an unusual human being...

2009-08-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

I'm currently playing the game Spider-Man: Web of Shadows for my PS3. Before you dismiss this as a gaming-related blog...listen to what I have to say. This game is fun, but it makes me want to shoot small mammals. In no way is it hard. It's just so full of glitches that it's nearly impossible to finish most of the missions.

This reminds me of the people around me. It's hard to get a coherent thought out because I know that somewhere between my central nervous system and the ears of those around me...my "thought" will get lost.

+10 points for thinking of a certain Bill Murray film dealing with this issue

I can show you my latest...obsession...

2009-03-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

Let's do this right.

from behind.

Wait.

2009-01-21T21:04:00.000-08:00

WARNING: (To say there's a point to this blog would be misleading. I'm writing this because I feel like these things, as scrambled as they are, need to be said.)

You can't get very far in life without getting at least one second chance. Every one of us gets a chance to live...to be free...to understand life. While those are broad subjects, I think they represent, fairly, the common thought-provoking spectrum. I'm no different than any of you. I fail tests, dream about living in Toys 'R Us, and listen to my iPod. That's freedom...that's beauty. That's what reminds us we're human.

Why do we always question the world? Why can't we let it be? Why such intrigue? I think it's because we think there's something greater. Whether you think that's God or not...you do think there's something greater out there. Am I wrong?

I've always had a drive to pursue an epic, fulfilling life. Why? Well, I think that's mostly to compensate for my shortcomings. Where is my motivation though? Where along the path of my life did I lose it? We've all lost a fair amount of motivation by this point in our lives. I just don't know why mine has left me entirely. Only so many (few) things can do that to a person. What needs to change? I've had "life-altering" events occur in my life. They've changed nothing. Maybe I need to be diagnosed with something serious. I think all it really takes for somebody to change their ways is the right person to tell them to do it.

If anybody has thoughts on this...please share.

And I don't mind the shape that your head is in...

2008-12-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

I am, before all things, an actor. Life is a movie to me. It's a sad, satirical movie...probably based in the 1940's war-time era...because that era always wins Golden Globes, no matter how boring the movie is. *cough*Atonement*cough*

I am set apart from the world by my own choosing.

Actually...you know what? Let's make this a fun post. Self-pity never adorned any great scholar we now respect in modern times. Life is fun! We need to make sure we have LOTS of unnecessary fun! Let's have fun!!!

NOT TOO MUCH FUN THOUGH!!!

If we can all just calm down for a second here, I'll explain to you what is going through my mind.

What truly makes us happy in life? Is it objects? People? Love?

<<< This guy?

I believe happiness comes from all of these places. Obviously, what makes us happy depends on how we're raised. If someone, like myself, grew up watching "Harry and the Hendersons" and "Christmas Vacation"...that someone is still going to laugh at those movies if they watch them today. Why do we continue to "train" ourselves by catering to our friends? If your friends don't enjoy any of the same things you do...GET NEW FRIENDS! As good a friend as Anne Franke probably was...Adolf Hitler would probably never have been her friend! They had nothing in common! It bothers me that people can be so fake. Trust me...I do it too. I pretended to love Halo once, for a party, just so I wouldn't sit by myself in the corner. Let's be ourselves around our friends, ohkay!? Don't complain that your friends don't accept you for who you are unless you're willing to be yourself. Be happy and enjoy your time under the sun! We get a limited amount of time on this planet. Why would you waste one second of it convincing everyone that you are someone else?

I leave you with this thought:

If anything could ever feel this real forever...

2008-11-20T01:38:00.000-08:00

How many questions do we ask each other everyday out of a desire to connect? What drives us past "shallow"? The key to understanding is a slow process, though it requires only one thing: love. To feel for others, to know that every single person can be "broken" is learned. You don't wake up with compassion. A smack in the face can only go so far. It takes time, patience, and more inconvenience than most are willing to suffer.

I'm not the guy to go to if you want to understand another human being, but I've got the basic knowledge of emotions. People will refrain from answers, redirect the conversation, or even flat-out leave a room to avoid showing the slightest emotional weakness. Are we afraid to get "made fun of"? Do we hide our deepest emotions because others will find it taboo in an everyday setting? Well...I think it's time to grow up. It is time to show everyone around you that you are intricately designed. Your mind doesn't do trillions of calculations per second, like the Playstation 3's Cell processor (that one's for you, Gage), so that you can waste those calculations on petty amusements. The mind desires love. It longs for attention. It needs to exist! So, I say...expose it. Show off your mind. Start a conversation with a close friend or even just an aquaintance. Do it in a one-on-one setup also. That's just how these things have to start. In a group, you will get safe answers or lies.

Evoke emotion, people! I will never be able type it loud enough!

(+20 points for still reading this crap.)

Understand me.

Please.

Welcome to Rapture!

2008-10-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've been playing Bioshock like nobody's business lately. Every time I get to a new level on the PC version, I stop and play through it on the PS3 version!!! It's joyous fun!!! On the PC version, I'm saving all the little sisters and harvesting them on the PS3. I want to see two of the three endings. (Third ending is more of a variation of another ending than its own entity.)

Was anyone else upset by the Video Game Awards tonight? Grand Theft Auto IV wins "Game of the Year"? I know this was voted upon by Spike TV viewers (the perverts and crack whores of our community), but that's no excuse to deny Metal Gear Solid 4 its crown!

I guess I shouldn't care. I'm sure The Dark Knight will get snubbed of "Movie of the Year" by Milk or some other trash touting a "controversial" topic. I don't know what year the Academy is living in, but this is two-thousand FREAKIN' eight! Anything mocking or denouncing Christianity isn't controversial...it's a monument to a greater society! I'm not saying some of these movies can't be good; some of them are. Milk, however, doesn't deserve to be spoken of in the same room as The Dark Knight! Where is the emotion? Penn can act, but that doesn't matter when the director is so set on protecting the homosexual agenda that they lose sight of what it means to make an experience!

Don't get me started on music...specifically how Nickelback remains on the radio.

Seriously?

2008-10-01T00:04:00.000-07:00

This week's caption contest. The last one sucked.

Hello, and welcome to another rendition of Jacob's Blog. I hope you all have fun with this one!

Love:

When two single people of the opposite sex meet for the first time...four things happen.

1) They make eye contact.
2) They assess eachother through body language.
3) They audibly (or physically, if they are mute) attempt communication.
4) They decide whether the person looking at them is a good candidate for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

If you say, "No, Jake...that's not true at all!", you are lying to yourself. Whether the person you meet is ugly or beautiful or just sort of a halfsy, you make sure to know if that person is worth talking to again...and on what level.

(+20 points for those of you who doubt me. You'll need the points later.)

Here's where I break it off. I will talk to girls first and guys second...extending to them the lessons I've learned and things I wish them to know as separate genders.

Dear Ladies,

STOP! Before you do anything else with your time...STOP! Think about the men in your life that really care about you. I'm not talking about your hott new catch that just bought you a diamond-embroidered necklace or that guy from your History class who flirted with you earlier because "what his girlfriend doesn't know, can't hurt her". NO. I'm talking about the guy sitting next to you...the one who doesn't try to touch you inappropriately...the one who talks you through every trial in your life...the one who wants to solve all of your problems, but doesn't because he knows that will only make you angry...the one who can read you like a book. So, change out of that mini-skirt/halter-top with the LONG neckline combo and into an outfit that leaves a little something to the imagination. While boys are attracted to skin and cleavage...men are attracted to studying habits and tact. Think about the last time you had a crush on someone. Was he the guy that talks too much in class, wears WAY too much cologne, hits on the teacher, and wears that ever-so-adorable pink polo with a popped collar? If the answer is no...you're good to go. You have this whole "reality" thing figured out. (+30 points) If the answer was yes, then you have failed.
Like this guy:

You're not seeing the big picture. The guys that flirt with you constantly and make advances in ways you never even knew existed are the same guys that will eventually sit in their lazyboys every sunday, watch the big game, and yell at their wives to get them a beer. I mean, if you're into that sort of "intimate" relationship, then go ahead...be my guest. If you want a real man who won't abandon you, who won't cheat on you, and who won't ever let you open a door yourself...you need to look at the humble guys. "OMG, Jake!", you may say. "Those guys are like really ugly and probably play video games and don't even buy energy drinks!" Yes, you're right. They DON'T care about their appearances, they DO play video games, and they DON'T buy energy drinks. Here's the thing: That "nobody" you call a mutual friend probably cleans up a lot better than you think. Also, most gamers tend to have a more affectionate side. (That's for you, Mitch.) You aren't looking hard enough. Since when do girls have to fight for the affection of men? Why can't you just be worth it? Why do you have to degrade yourselves to please us? Why do you fall for these guys that will only cause you trouble? Don't pretend you can't see trouble coming. You are FEMALES! You know when something bad is about to happen. It's just in your genes. You say girls are smarter than boys...then, start acting like it! Find a guy who would voluntarily watch Sleepless in Seattle with you...a guy who would cover your legs with blankets and not his hands...a guy who will kiss your tears away...a guy who shows you love like you've never known before. If you keep falling for these cheap, brainless, too-tan-to-be-natural tools...you'll end up alone time after time. (+15 points for singing the Cyndi Lauper song.) My main concern here is this: You are looking for a man with passion...with strength...a guy who is accessible to you...a man that speaks his mind. You want a guy who is...and you girls never can stress this enough..."CONFIDENT!!!!!!!" Guess what, girls? Confidence doesn't matter if he's not willing to listen to you. You girls have become so shallow...so willing to accept the first thing you see. Who could blame you though? We've given you nothing but level of extroversion to play on. The more confident the guy is, the more girls will talk to him. How do you think Flavor Flav does it? I leave you with this thought: Boys will come and go...but a man will stick with you no matter what.

Dear dudes,

This probably pertains to you:

If you have found yourself in ^this^ situation, you'll find this interesting. Ladies aren't going out with these "jerks" because that stud earring is appealing or because Axe smells good. (It doesn't.) They date guys like that because they are CONFIDENT. Give a nerd a dating sim and he'll love for a day. (Or until he beats it.) Give a nerd the ability to date actual girls and he'll love for the rest of his life. (-20 points if you've actually played a dating sim.) I'm simply implying that you need to get your voice out there. If you are worried about sounding like an idiot, that's ohkay. Every guy sounds like an idiot the second he opens his mouth. Don't worry if the cute girl in the corner only laughs at buff guy's jokes. Think of some better jokes to tell...or play off of his jokes. Here's a site: http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/funniest-jokes.html
See, girls love humor. The only thing they love more than humor is creativity. You can be the funniest guy in the entire world and not know how to create a good mood. If you can't plan a fun date, write her a beautiful love letter, or interact with her ever-changing thoughts continuously, you're screwed. Girls are less interested in appearance than you think. Ever watch the King of Queens? (Me either.) What I'm saying is...with some personal touch-ups and a few hours of Project Runway every week, you could have that cute blonde swooning over you and your obese, unappealing body. I know what you're thinking. "But Jake...how can I be fashionable and sexy? I am but a poor student with nothing to give but my Level 70 Druid!" (-20 points if you can name the game I'm most likely referring to.) Well...there's not much I can do about your "special problem", but I can tell you that interacting with the female race is a healthy and normal activity in today's society. I tell you this as a once-introverted male. I have seen the light, my friends! Trust me. Those scary, muscly guys from Jr. High grew up...and guess what!...they're just as dumb now as they were then. Only, this time, you have the option to win! You can talk to these girls. You can make them feel good about themselves. You can be gentlemen and open doors and be charming. You can show them what a real man is. Just don't get too close too quick...or they'll take you for something different...a "creeper".

*End thoughts*

Homework for the week:
Girls - Look around you and find these "gentlemen".
Boys - Get confident and talk to that hottie in Spanish. Maybe even ask her what she's doing this weekend.

God Bless your whithered souls,
Jacob

They're back...

2008-09-15T12:24:00.001-07:00

Right off the bat here, I'm going to give you all 20 points just for being you!
(-20 points if you can't name the movie my blog's title is from)

The winner of the first ever caption photo contest is...
*drum roll that absolutely nobody else participates in*

...MITCH!!!

Congratulations, Mitchell! You've won an all-expense-paid trip to LEGO Land!!!
Wait...that's a lie. However, you do get this posted for free!!!

Craig Johnson's Summer Vacation

Honestly, Mitch. That guy does sort of look like Craig Johnson.

Today's picture for the caption contest:

Let's make this one count, people. If Mitch wins again, I might actually give him a prize...

I will complain in another post later...

Somber, yet satisfying

2008-09-12T00:16:00.001-07:00

There was a time in my life where failing was fun...failing was how I dealt with things. I've always wanted to be the "epic hero", if you will...the guy that takes the fall for everyone else...or does something for someone in selflessness. I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be that guy. I'll never climb those mountains, I'll never sacrifice as much as I'd like to.

I used to love pretending my life was deeper than what it really was. I think I've grown tired of that now. People don't seem to care all that much. They're more interested in your movie tastes than your complexity...not that the two can't go hand-in-hand. I sometimes think I'm the most retarded alien of an alien species and they've let me grow here...as a joke to the rest of this alien race. It's like the Truman Show...but without the good acting.

Things I would go back in time to warn myself about:

- Transformers
- Callis Internet Service
- Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight"
- Trading in games to Gamestop
- Love and how I should have held it off until I met Natalie...then, never let it go
- All my failures...
- The 2004 play-offs (Cubs fan grabs the ball...)
- Bill Murray's current acting career
- Buying dark clothing...nobody likes it but me
- Failing so much...
- Trying to talk to people about my failures...nobody cares.
- Pretending life is deeper than others let on. Life can only be broadened through God, I've found out. Without him, the search for a deeper meaning is...ridiculous.
- That burger I had tonight...

I leave you with this thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Village of Sin!

2008-09-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

You all failed to write a caption for my last post, so I'll hold off on that portion of the blog until one of you grows a pair.

To say that "nobody" reads my blogs is an understatement. Perhaps one or two of you will stray away from watching the extremely overrated "Ninja Warrior" long enough to read a couple sentences of one of my posts or get redirected to my blog when you type in "Jake Gyllenhaal" to a Google image search...

...which, by the way, gives you THIS picture:

(+30 points for liking what you just saw.)

(-35 points if you just got thirty points and you're a guy.)

Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

Tonight on "What are you smoking, Jake?", we'll take a hard look into the question that's been plaguing the University of Mobile student body all semester:

WHY DID WE BUY THAT STUPID RAM???!!!

Well, I think it may have had something to do with school spirit. See, the thing is...I think there's a lot of school spirit here. Students go to sporting events, everybody supports the cheerleaders...probably more than they should, and every single human being on this campus has either ridden on the ram or contemplated riding on the ram.

(+5 points for having actually ridden the ram.)

(-5 points for riding it inappropriately.)

"School spirit" is a cop-out. The school board knows the seniors voted for a bronze ram because it was the most ridiculous thing they could think of...also the most unnecessary. I mean, that's a lot of money.

Things you could buy with $3500:

- MORE expensive HDTV's in the cafe that nobody watches
- Hire someone to actually build the new additions to the cafe...who will work.
- Save 35 lives in Africa
- Help a homeless man get back on the right track
- Start a homeless shelter in inner-city Mobile
- Buy your kids some shoes this Christmas...don't let them walk to school cold just because some retards told you a bronze statue was more important
- Leave behind a REAL legacy...like getting us a new internet service provider
- Get a couple of phone towers set up so we can all have RECEPTION, FOR ONCE!!!

These are a few of my favorite things, people...

Can you imagine thirty-five hundred dollars worth of tacos from Taco Bell??? Of course, down here...we'd be waiting years to get them anyway.

Am I too cynical?

Love and affection,
Jacob Smith

Suck on this, Willie Mac!

2008-09-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

From now on, I will start my posts with a picture. You have to give the picture a funny caption. Whoever gives me the funniest caption will get it posted on the next blog and will receive a special "you won" picture on their facebook. Exciting, huh? Here's #1!!!

So, tonight is my last night back in Decatur...Gustav's been a real deuchebag the past couple of days. The points system proved extremely popular in my first post, so I've decided to keep it. By the way, if anyone has a problem with my posting style or has a recommendation for future blogs, please leave it as a comment. Pretty self-explanatory, no?

(+5 points for actually looking at my blog again.)

Stuff I did this week:
- Went to Church
- Watched Ghostbusters
- Ate pizza
- Drank chocolate milk
- Drove to Walmart and Gamestop (Didn't buy anything because I'm trying to be "financially responsible".)
- Got a new iPod (80 gig video)
- Shot over 500 zombies...

Stuff I should've done this week:
- Read my Bible
- Watched Facing the Giants
- Eaten healthy
- Saved gas by shopping on Amazon.com (CHECK IT OUT!)
- Studied for tests
- Convincingly smile at the old people who attend my church.

Stuff you probably shouldn't know I did:
- Thought about stealing puppies from a neighbor
- Thought about selling everything I own to buy a PS3 and HDTV
- Totally didn't take a shower today
- Thought about how some people are far too obsessed with their hair when it's not even really that good...
- Thought about all the guys labelled "really hott" by today's society...when in all reality, we know they are FRICKIN' UGLY!!!

^THIS IS HOT???^

Maybe I'm crazy or something, but Carrey Grant didn't act his heart out and woo women like nobody's business so THIS GUY could steal the show! I find his lack of tweezers disturbing...

(+10 points if you caught the reference.)

(-5 points if you caught the reference and still think I'm a loser.)

That's it for tonight, children.

Now, get off your computer and give your mother a hug!!!

(Also, buy Season 4 of the Office, on DVD now!)

Sexiest blog this side of the Dixie...

2008-08-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

This is, in fact, my first blog. Depending on how much you people like it...this could be my last. Enjoy...

First off, I'd like to make a shoutout to the two "blog-masters" of the school: Willie Mac and Adam Morris. I may not have the experience, but some people are just naturally talented.

(+ 10 points for anyone that said "that's what she said" after that last sentence.)

What's up with not being able to call people "ho" here? Why is that so offensive? I give every single one of you permission to call me a ho. In fact, call your friends and family members ho too. If they don't like it, show them THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AkKnLMELo

(+ 15 points for anyone that sat through that monstrosity.)

I'm not gonna lie to you people, I miss Illinois. Up there, we had the Disney Channel, we got to watch the leaves turn pretty colors in the fall, everybody said "syrup" the RIGHT way, and we had fast food that was...well...fast! I miss it all...the high taxes, the high crime rate, the high teenagers...

(+ 10 points if you caught that joke...) (- 5 points if you laughed at it.)

All of my friends said being down here would be good for me...because heat makes you sweat...and sweat makes you lose weight. I know...great friends, right? Turns out, Alabama is just as hot and humid as Decatur frickin' Illinois. LAME!

That's about all I got right now. Leave some feedback, ho's...

Love and enlightenment,
Jacob Smith

Disclaimer: I apologize sincerely to any and all actual prostitutes I may have offended.