They're back...

Right off the bat here, I'm going to give you all 20 points just for being you!
(-20 points if you can't name the movie my blog's title is from)

The winner of the first ever caption photo contest is...
*drum roll that absolutely nobody else participates in*

...MITCH!!!

Congratulations, Mitchell! You've won an all-expense-paid trip to LEGO Land!!!
Wait...that's a lie. However, you do get this posted for free!!!


Craig Johnson's Summer Vacation

Honestly, Mitch. That guy does sort of look like Craig Johnson.

Today's picture for the caption contest:


Let's make this one count, people. If Mitch wins again, I might actually give him a prize...

I will complain in another post later...

Somber, yet satisfying

There was a time in my life where failing was fun...failing was how I dealt with things. I've always wanted to be the "epic hero", if you will...the guy that takes the fall for everyone else...or does something for someone in selflessness. I've come to the conclusion that I'll never be that guy. I'll never climb those mountains, I'll never sacrifice as much as I'd like to.

I used to love pretending my life was deeper than what it really was. I think I've grown tired of that now. People don't seem to care all that much. They're more interested in your movie tastes than your complexity...not that the two can't go hand-in-hand. I sometimes think I'm the most retarded alien of an alien species and they've let me grow here...as a joke to the rest of this alien race. It's like the Truman Show...but without the good acting.

Things I would go back in time to warn myself about:

- Transformers
- Callis Internet Service
- Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight"
- Trading in games to Gamestop
- Love and how I should have held it off until I met Natalie...then, never let it go
- All my failures...
- The 2004 play-offs (Cubs fan grabs the ball...)
- Bill Murray's current acting career
- Buying dark clothing...nobody likes it but me
- Failing so much...
- Trying to talk to people about my failures...nobody cares.
- Pretending life is deeper than others let on. Life can only be broadened through God, I've found out. Without him, the search for a deeper meaning is...ridiculous.
- That burger I had tonight...

I leave you with this thought:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBGIQ7ZuuiU

Village of Sin!

You all failed to write a caption for my last post, so I'll hold off on that portion of the blog until one of you grows a pair.

To say that "nobody" reads my blogs is an understatement. Perhaps one or two of you will stray away from watching the extremely overrated "Ninja Warrior" long enough to read a couple sentences of one of my posts or get redirected to my blog when you type in "Jake Gyllenhaal" to a Google image search...

...which, by the way, gives you THIS picture:


(+30 points for liking what you just saw.)

(-35 points if you just got thirty points and you're a guy.)

Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

Tonight on "What are you smoking, Jake?", we'll take a hard look into the question that's been plaguing the University of Mobile student body all semester:

WHY DID WE BUY THAT STUPID RAM???!!!

Well, I think it may have had something to do with school spirit. See, the thing is...I think there's a lot of school spirit here. Students go to sporting events, everybody supports the cheerleaders...probably more than they should, and every single human being on this campus has either ridden on the ram or contemplated riding on the ram.

(+5 points for having actually ridden the ram.)

(-5 points for riding it inappropriately.)

"School spirit" is a cop-out. The school board knows the seniors voted for a bronze ram because it was the most ridiculous thing they could think of...also the most unnecessary. I mean, that's a lot of money.

Things you could buy with $3500:

- MORE expensive HDTV's in the cafe that nobody watches
- Hire someone to actually build the new additions to the cafe...who will work.
- Save 35 lives in Africa
- Help a homeless man get back on the right track
- Start a homeless shelter in inner-city Mobile
- Buy your kids some shoes this Christmas...don't let them walk to school cold just because some retards told you a bronze statue was more important
- Leave behind a REAL legacy...like getting us a new internet service provider
- Get a couple of phone towers set up so we can all have RECEPTION, FOR ONCE!!!

These are a few of my favorite things, people...

Can you imagine thirty-five hundred dollars worth of tacos from Taco Bell??? Of course, down here...we'd be waiting years to get them anyway.

Am I too cynical?

Love and affection,
Jacob Smith

Suck on this, Willie Mac!

From now on, I will start my posts with a picture. You have to give the picture a funny caption. Whoever gives me the funniest caption will get it posted on the next blog and will receive a special "you won" picture on their facebook. Exciting, huh? Here's #1!!!

So, tonight is my last night back in Decatur...Gustav's been a real deuchebag the past couple of days. The points system proved extremely popular in my first post, so I've decided to keep it. By the way, if anyone has a problem with my posting style or has a recommendation for future blogs, please leave it as a comment. Pretty self-explanatory, no?

(+5 points for actually looking at my blog again.)

Stuff I did this week:
- Went to Church
- Watched Ghostbusters
- Ate pizza
- Drank chocolate milk
- Drove to Walmart and Gamestop (Didn't buy anything because I'm trying to be "financially responsible".)
- Got a new iPod (80 gig video)
- Shot over 500 zombies...

Stuff I should've done this week:
- Read my Bible
- Watched Facing the Giants
- Eaten healthy
- Saved gas by shopping on Amazon.com (CHECK IT OUT!)
- Studied for tests
- Convincingly smile at the old people who attend my church.

Stuff you probably shouldn't know I did:
- Thought about stealing puppies from a neighbor
- Thought about selling everything I own to buy a PS3 and HDTV
- Totally didn't take a shower today
- Thought about how some people are far too obsessed with their hair when it's not even really that good...
- Thought about all the guys labelled "really hott" by today's society...when in all reality, we know they are FRICKIN' UGLY!!!



^THIS IS HOT???^

Maybe I'm crazy or something, but Carrey Grant didn't act his heart out and woo women like nobody's business so THIS GUY could steal the show! I find his lack of tweezers disturbing...

(+10 points if you caught the reference.)

(-5 points if you caught the reference and still think I'm a loser.)

That's it for tonight, children.

Now, get off your computer and give your mother a hug!!!

(Also, buy Season 4 of the Office, on DVD now!)